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Posts Tagged ‘neuroses’

I am a personal saboteur. I hate to admit this. I am disturbed and puzzled by this phenomenon, this propensity to ruin a good thing.

I’m thinking about this because of my trip to New York. One of my neuroses is a paradoxical aversion to traveling, combined with a thirst for adventure and, well, travel. Over the last 10 years I’ve taken more than a few trips to visit friends or go to conferences and training seminars. Each time I’m excited, I’m happy, I’m counting the days, until about a week before departure. That’s when I experience a creeping dread. “Why did I agree to this?” “What was I thinking?” “What made me decide to be gone so long?” It’s not about flying – I’m cool as a cucumber in the 25th row, aisle seat. It’s not airports, or jet lag, or even packing. And it’s certainly not about the folks I’m bound to visit. What is it then?

Sabotage happens in other ways, in more subtle subversions. Like worry. Have you ever noticed that once you get yourself through an unusually stressful episode, something else of a lesser nature steps up to take its place? Generating just as much air time and anxiety as the really big thing you just finished worrying about? As if worry were a necessary ingredient for success. As if peace an tranquility were something to avoid.

What is it about carefree, joyful living that I find so…disturbing?

Is there danger from excessive happiness?

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